The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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