im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
