I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
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