my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
