i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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