Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
