I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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