I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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