my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
