I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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