i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
