OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I will pee on everything he values.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
