I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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