I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
