Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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