So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
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