My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
