I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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