Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
