she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
