my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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