I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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