Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
