my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
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