I can text with my tongue
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
