you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
