Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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