Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
