We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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