I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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