I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
