Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
