Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Randomize
