Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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