A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
