just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I am one with the molecules
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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