Pants 0. Shit 1.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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