What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
