what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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