So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Randomize