Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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