Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
