i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
