just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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