I wish my penis had an off switch
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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