WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
