Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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