Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she smelled like a LAN party
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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