I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
