i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
