can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
