She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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