I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize