just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
