Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
