this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
