Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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