It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
