im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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