I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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