Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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