Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
