my vag is so smooth its legendary
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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